December 30, 2010

precept upon precept

keepin' it profReshional.

new M-Audio Axiom Pro 61 keyboard controller.

she's really pretty...

December 25, 2010

candlestick letter

my mom found this Christmas card tonight that my late grandpa Charlie sent to
her back in 1984.
she then said "If my dad was alive today he'd be 104 years old!!"
i told her that was really cool.

he passed away when i was 3 years old.
i have only one foggy memory of him.
it was summertime & and i believe we were in the kitchen.
he was getting a bandage for me out of the cabinet.
i felt safe.
the smell of wintergreen always reminds me of him.
i found out later in life that he chewed Wintergreen Copenhagen tobacco.
so that's probably why.

parts of his letter:

"Ida said you mentioned sending tapes on the New Testament, please don't do it, tapes make me sleepy. I can do my own your money."

"I get so mad sometimes reading the Bible, of how stupid some of the people was in Christ time and it seems they haven't changed much since, our Savior had a hard time when he was here, for sure. Seems like they are always trying to kill him."

and at the end he says "kiss the gals for me!
that would've been me and my sister.
(little johnny was following close behind tho)
he sometimes signed his name "Chaz" & i used to say i wanted to name my 1st son that.
i'm sleepy...Merry Christmas.

December 21, 2010

21 DEC sky

i only caught one glimpse of the moon last night.
the Earth's shadow was covering about half of it.
mostly, i just watched the night clouds drift by.
i sat and prayed for clear skies and breathed in the gentle winter solstice winds.
thought about those ever invading life, death and purpose questions.
earlier, i was thinking about how painful it would be to lose a loved one around Christmas time,
so i breathed prayers of protection over all i could think of.
right before i took my seat under the stars, i found out that my dear friend's Mom had passed away that night.
i was just conversing with my friend that afternoon.
she was so excited to watch the lunar eclipse!
you never know what the next minute can hold.
i'm so heartbroken for her.
grace and peace to you Lisa, my sister.
your mother got the best view in the house of that copper red moon.

there really is a lot of pain in life.
and unless you want a miserable existence whilst floating through space,
you will have to keep Hope.

Hope that the ones who suffer will be delivered.
Hope that any good you do, really does bring change.
Hope that your dreams will come true.
Hope that your wounds will heal.
Hope that we will all be together again one day.

"Blessed are they that mourn...for they shall be comforted." -Matthew 5:4

December 8, 2010

corrupt bargain

studying for my finals tonight.
there are so many interesting pictures in our History book.
but this one i found online while doing extra research on the Compromise of 1877.

i love it enough to frame it.

"Unto that Power he doth belong/Which only doeth Right while ever willing Wrong."

November 24, 2010


oh well.

this practice is for vanity's sake.
but true
no smile was ever forced back then.

a fallish winter.

Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy birthday to mom.
Christmas Eve is a month away.
i've been practicing my smile:

i've also been enjoying the short stories of Brian Andreas.
it reminds me of that idea of little blogs turned into books.

"Going Somewhere Soon"

here's a few excerpts:
"i moved a lot when i was young
& i still ache a bit at
the thought of all those autumns
in new & unfamiliar landscapes."
"i made a bed of nails once like
they do in India
but my mom said i'd need my tetanus shots first.
so after awhile i just leaned it
against the garage & threw apples at it
& watched them stick."
"he told me that the night his mother died,
there were storms & far away
he saw purple lightning
& someone left the window open
& the room filled with a
swirl of butterflies
& she slipped out quietly
without anyone noticing

& i'm sure the grief was
softer because of that."


what to do. do to what? what to do.

November 20, 2010


86 years worth of rich stories!
sadly, i hadn't heard any of them..

until that summer night
3 months ago.
we were driving him home after my Aunt's graduation.
a two hour drive--
and he talked most of the way.
it was the most i'd heard him talk in my whole life.
i soaked it up like a little sponge.

i found out he used to have a pet Otter named Ollie.
it was his best buddy.
he'd feed it fish and teach him tricks!

he also told us a story that he said no one would believe.
a few years ago he was locking the gate at the old farm..
he said he shut his eyes and left his body.
he said he was in an old rocking chair and was flying or "gliding" above the back part of town
and could see things happening below, but no one could see him.
he said he flew above the old Ebenezer cemetery.
he was very aware of where he was the whole time.
he said it lasted for some time, and then he decided to go back to the farm.
he opened his eyes and was back.
he said it felt amazing.
and i believed every word he said.

November 19, 2010

the oldest.

a natural with people, with piano, with words.
it hurts to see so much potential waste away.

someone once said she was a cat with nine lives.

don't let her land on all fours today, Lord.

that's how much i love her.

life choices CAN be redeemed.

"punishment that hurts will chase evil from the heart.." -Proverbs 22:15

away in a manger..

lil peeweepuppy.

PinkPupDesign on Etsy.

November 18, 2010


an equally beautiful video to go with one of Coldplay's best songs.
possibly my favorite music video ever?
there are so many little things in it that pull me in..
this will probably be my next cover on my channel.

YouTube is really becoming strict on embedding (which makes no sense
to me!!)
so this is the best i could find.. which it'll probably be disabled too once it gets enough hits.

i suggest this video be watched here instead:

nice & clear. expand the screen & put on those headphones.
class early, goodnight.

November 17, 2010

17 Nov 10

i hear that it's raining.
i step outside for a breath of fresh air.
clouds move swiftly across the moon like a thousand gray doves.
muted lavender and navy never looked so pretty together.
i see one star. or is it an airplane?
i'm not sure.
drip drip drip.
my hand catches some of the splash.

the door opens and my sister's youngest walks out.
we look up together.
he wants to know how the moon is moving so fast...
drip drip.
i try to explain that it is only the clouds that are moving.
only the air that is pushing.

my words seem too much.

i loosen my depiction of the sky.

...we spend the next few minutes watching the moon take flight.

November 13, 2010

track and treats

what is me?

life is good, hard, beautiful, ugly, full of revelation and confusing. all at the same time.
there are so many people in this world.
it blows my mind like the thought of Eternity does.

i'm in Chicago.
this morning i recorded a few original songs for a demo.
pretty emotional songs to come into full contact with so early in the day.
i was in a quirky/homey upstairs studio. this guy who does graffiti tagged these faces on bright yellow pillows. some of the coolest cushions i eva did see.
i haven't painted a pillow in a long time, i realized.

we were above an authentic mexican joint called the Burrito House.
i got a big one with extra avocado.
i usually never know what to order, and once i finally do...
i always wish i would have gotten something else.
i'm staying with my old friend Adam.
his roommate is a great hispanic Christian guy.
it was very refreshing talking with him about the Faith...
i don't think i'm as lost as i thought i was.

i can hear "Imagine" by John Lennon in the background while in my bedroom.
it feels soothing. i have a crock-pot on filled with water and a random idea of cough drops thrown in. this is supposed to help keep the air moist.
[editors note: i woke up the next morning with my socks boiling in the crock-pot. i kicked them off during the night & apparently they landed right in it! also, the water was yellow from the cough drops. you can only imagine my reaction.]
my voice is getting scratchy... the timing is just impeccable.

praying, neti-pot, halls, seclusion-no talking, lots of water... this should make me better by tomorrow's show.

November 1, 2010

oct 88

found something i drew when i was 5 years old:

it appears i was blue in the womb.

November 1st

we all do things in life that we regret.
different levels of gut wrenching, maybe.
but regrets nonetheless.

may we forgive outside forces, and may we forgive ourselves.

hello, November.

October 27, 2010


me and the little boy gettin' in the Halloween spirit.

and poor Soupie looks like she is wearing a mask.
but she got bit by something that made her snout swollen and eyes swell shut!
we think it was a snake.
those long lil doggies just love crawling in holes.
she's our halloweenier.

October 24, 2010

my happy place.

bits from Eureka

i took a trip of solitude to the mountains of Northern Arkansas this past June.
there's a monastery tucked away deep in the hills.
they also own an Inn of sorts down the road, or around the way, or up the bend.. whichever.
you're in virtual seclusion, and that's what mattered.
only $35 a night for a comfortable room, no TV, view of heaven, peace & quiet, full access to their kitchen, cozy library, and most noteworthy...permission to play their old piano.

before i left i had a long list of do's and don'ts.
i wanted to eat only organic, i wanted to finish at least 2 books, i wasn't going to get on the internet, etc.
as i was driving off, i took my list and threw it out of the window.
i felt liberated.
i'd never taken a trip like this before.
it was a time to spend with just ME to reflect, heal, and have fun.
i didn't want to have any set rules because if they got broken,
i might feel bad.
and i didn't want to chance feeling even the slightest tinge of disappointment during such a lovely and special occasion.

Raw Honey i bought from a mom & pop store in the mountains.
i discovered that Wheat Thins are really tasty dipped in it. sweet n salty meets gooey/crunchy.

i took this little book by my favorite author Kent Nerburn.
sub-titled "Living in the Spirit of the Prayer of St. Francis".
little did i know there would be a St. Francis retreat at the same place i was lodging a few days after i arrived.
also, i last saw the retreat's teacher, musician/monk John Michael Talbot, when i was a pre-teen. we were at an organic garden where they were dedicating a St. Francis statue.
John Michael stood in the middle of a field playing guitar and
singing Hallelujahs.
every sheep in that field stood erect like ivory statues, watching him play.
it was a holy sight, indeed.
JMT was part of the 70's country-rock band Mason Profitt before his spiritual enlightenment, so he'd acquired a decent fan base throughout the years.
the crowd, made up of small families, hippies, musicians, and other granola-esqe people, relaxed on blankets and quilts and watched the show. i can still feel the atmosphere. perfect Fall time weather. the smell of green.
i remember feeling extra alive.

synchronicity couldn't be ignored.
i ended up staying for the St. Francis retreat too.

lamby picture in the room. such a precious sketch. lambs are still my favorite. (well, and squirrels too!)

October 22, 2010

pea pod perceptions

and so.. i make a decision to bow before the Greater Good.
why does it feel so good to get on my knees?
to verbalize my need for something bigger than me?
is my perception my reality as some pose?
i don't know.
the calming comes.
and refreshed i stand.

i am a mouse. i need a King.
i don't like the pressure of feeling like it is all up to me to make right decisions.
the pressure of feeling that it is all up to me and my decisions in life is overwhelming.
we let ourself down. people let us down. pets let us down. things die, times change.
but does God let us down?

is it true?
"your perception is your reality"

i sat next to an elderly couple on my flight a couple weeks ago to Phoenix.
we were like 3 peas in a pod in our seating arrangement.
the flight was 4 hours long, and we talked for over 3 hours of it.
the lady, Barbie, used to be an opera singer, but at age 21 she woke up deaf.
no symptoms, no warning signs.
she just woke up and the world was silent.
this was already intriguing, but since i'd been reading Helen Keller's biography, i was captivated that much more.
for over 40 years she couldn't hear a single sound.
then she regained her hearing in one ear by having a chip inserted into the back of her head that read her brain waves and by wearing a tiny mic at her ear to pick up the sound.
she said "I hear with my brain.... but so do you."

i ended up sharing my life story with this lady...(why do i keep doing this to people?!)
her companion Paul, a jovial fellow with lots of borderline hilarious jokes, added a nice balance to the melodrama.

later me and Paul discussed homemade instruments & he explained a few concepts of Physics.
they were lovely people.

and when we parted ways in the airport he shook his arm up at me and declared "May the force be with you!"

and i replied, "May it be with you too my friend!!"
then i spoke some Christian jargon to myself towards them. :)

the Force. i liked that..

i said a little amen and then headed for the next terminal.

October 20, 2010

wondering wanderer

i have a blurry understanding of some things,
and no understanding of all the rest.

but one thing i do know is that something eternal is in me..
and it is constantly crying out for more.

some art makes me feel like a wanderer.
like a river exploring the rocks, tasting of the earth, but never finding its home in the ocean.

we all want less wandering and more wonderment.
we want to be childlike but we think with our head.
does Faith make sense?
does it work?

creative time signatures laced with haunting melisma can only move
one so far...

i hear an old hymn sung by siblings on demand in a dirty kitchen.
and try as i may to quell it, the eternal in me breaks.
the floodgates lift,
my face turns wet
golden eyeshadow tears.

i felt the More.
and it had been a long, long time.

sleepy eyed hunter boy

me, my brother Jonathan, my sister in law Lacey, her brother Jon-Jon and baby Link all spent the night in Little Rock last night so we could be there early for my brother's wrist surgery.
about a week and a half ago, i was on the road in Los Angeles when my mom called with the news:
Jonathan had been deer hunting in the woods & fell asleep in his deer stand!
he had gotten down from his stand earlier to check on a wounded deer (or something like that...poor little deer) & so when he got back in his stand, he didn't put his safety belt back on.
he fell 20 ft to the ground and woke up when he landed on his face.
the doctor said if he had been awake when he fell, he would have stiffened up and probably died or been paralyzed. but instead he only broke his wrists, got bruised up pretty badly, and bit all the way through his tongue in one spot.
we are all astonished by the outcome of this. so grateful that i still have my widdle brother.
i love him so much.

crazy side note: Jon's wife & kids were also in California at the same time i was on vacation in San Francisco! we were all in CA... what are the odds?!

September 23, 2010

turnip rosette

eat raw root vegetables!
turnips = crunchy, spicy, woodsy
so good! i hadn't had one like this in awhile. i peeled all around the white and then noticed how pretty the bottom was. like a flower! so i left a little bit of purple skin around it for accent.

September 1, 2010

my mom texted me something tonight that made me get all misty-eyed!

her and my 4 year old nephew Gavin were riding back from El Dorado and she said "Well Gavin your ole daddy got married today to a good woman. I hope your momma gets a good man too."

Gavin replied "When i grow up.. i'm gonna marry Annie."


here's a pic from March 2009 when we were in Colorado. :)

de novo

i am seasick, full of Hope.
i am covered in pretty violet bruises.
i am aware.
i am calmed by the greening of the sky.
i have been electrocuted.
shaken by Strength.
thank You for the thunder that beats at my bones.
for the rain that washes clean.

July 16, 2010

the Before

Is It Over? (an unmixed song) by Annalisa

this is my first recording using Ableton Live 8.1.3
i have been introduced to the most exhilarating musical making process!

this song is in a completely raw, unmixed, first draft form.
(with the exception of a little reverb on my vocals.)
some ornamental elements that you hear will be removed, some will be added.
i may still play around with the lyrics, i may change the layout a little.
but one thing i do know:
magical beats are definitely to come.

i mic'd my piano for this one.

PS: i may post the "before" of a song more often. this is so you can experience its transformation--going from skeleton to a full coke bottle figure. :)


wearing a black cap and long coat,
this spiritual man dripped with character.
i'd always heard about him
& now i was finally getting the chance to meet him.
after hearing me sing,
he told me that there was something extra special about me.
he said my voice was beautiful, haunting.
that my music was akin to Sade, someone we both happened to love.
he was moved by my musical expression,
and encouraged me with great passion..
he "got" me...
and that was something i longed for.

i was just thinking about him and what he said only days ago.
that short moment we shared will never be forgotten.
HE will never be forgotten.

in some way, i want to be a better person because of him.

Rest in Peace, Pops.

July 15, 2010

sloppy sloppy sloppy sloppy

sweet sweet sweet

but who knows what anything means?

last night i dreamed i was at a high school prom dancing with a very
small framed black guy.
he seemed sad, and sickly.
i could see it in his eyes.
we had the most wonderful time dancing though.
he was handsome in his tux.
i felt compassion for him and was so glad i could give him some joy.
i know he gave me joy.

i think somehow subconsciously, i was thinking about William,
my dear friend who recently became very sick and passed on.

i wish i would have had more compassion, here in the natural.

July 11, 2010

so what does it mean?

all night i dreamed that i danced around in a beautiful turquoise wedding dress.


is it bondage when i keep distance from home to him?
am i free if i never read his words, for fear i fall again?

July 8, 2010


for some reason, finding out that Prince is a Jehovah's Witness has had my world all messed up.

July 7, 2010

lady lunchables

a classy mother and daughter dined in at lunch today.
they were celebrating the mother's birthday.
her name was Sue, & she turned 88 today!

everyone usually blurs together during a lunch rush, but these
ladies stood out!
i was happy to get to serve them.
the Mom had a cute little face & bubbly personality.
the daughter had the darkest hair, which i'm sure was natural at one point in her life, and she wore an all black suit with heels paired with lots of gaudy bright blue jewelry.
playing dress up for lunch..i love it!

here lately i've been appreciating the fact that i gave up tanning
over a year ago.
artificial light and unusual amounts of sunlight.
i did this for several reasons including wanting to be more health conscience,
and not wanting to be sucked into believing what the media tells you is "hot."
but sometimes i feel swayed to return to my old ways, especially now that it's summertime!
i'm seeing that i have my dad's coloring (dark hair) but my red-headed mother's skin tone!!
white as a sheet.

anyway, they started talking about my eyeshadow..
so naturally, i started dishing it up about Sephora.
i can't believe i didn't draw them out a map of how to get there on their napkin.

then, Sue looked up at me with a great big smile & said
"oh my! you have the whitest complexion!"
(or maybe i just startled her.. she did clutch her pearls. haha)

i couldn't tell if she said "whitest" or "brightest".. so i asked again.

nope, she said "whitest" --but then proceeded to tell me it was pretty.

that dear lady, who's prime was in the iconic 1940's, reinforced my decision to keep it natural and my day was whitened.
i mean brightened!

goodbye (old post from Feb 23)

Yesterday was a sad, sad day for me.
i lost my baby squirrel,
i had him for 17 days.
him and his siblings fell from an old oak tree February
he was the only one to survive.
i cleaned him up and gave him much love.
i had raised Pepper successfully,
so i was thrilled to be able to raise another!
(and this time a fox squirrel!)
getting up to feed them every 2-3 hours makes you become very attached.
you become their mother. you are their hope.
Cinco stayed as strong as he could,
and i did everything that i knew to do.
i really did.
but he just wasn't able to pull through.
i watched him take his last couple of breaths.
i've never seen anything like that before..
it's that point when you began to audibly beg them to hang in there.
i was really looking forward to his eyes opening.
their little eyes only open one at a time, and very slowly.
i wanted him to see me first!
the face to the voice that he hears.

after he died, we had a funeral in the backyard for him.
it was a memory that will stay with me forever.
when i think back to it, here's what comes to mind: after a storm.
all of us walking quietly in a row through the woods towards the graveside.
purple gown.
mom's newly dyed bright red hair and milky white skin against the dusky sky.
dark red rose petals.
other fresh valentine day flowers left over. white daises, etc.
a chocolate truffle box from me and Jessica's lovely New Years trip, a perfect fit for Cinco to rest.
Dad's hard work to get a decent area for him.
a handmade stick cross.
and little Gavin helping Papa out... doing as much as he knew how to..
we were all working together to make this as precious and sacred as possible.

during the ceremony, i felt that this is what life is all about.
no one else was close to that little guy..

but a good family, Love,
suffers when you suffer.

July 6, 2010


you could probably draw a line down the middle of me.
this is my ongoing battle--
differentiating between the spirit (intuition) and the soul (thoughts, emotions).

but please don't fear for me!
or pity that i don't walk surefooted in the Christian Faith.
my Creator knows where i am, and my heart is wide open.
i feel happier and more at Peace with myself than i ever have.
i don't guess i've ever allowed myself time to really get to know ME.
me outside of a relationship.
me outside of the agony of coming out of the relationship.
i am finally at peace with the hard decisions i've had to make these past few years.
not nostalgia or pain free... but at peace.
i am on a life-journey anew.

4th of July

i visited the black church again Sunday morning.
the depths of the way that place moves me i could never explain.

the choir was sans robes, so everyone was in their Sunday best.
the men were mostly donned in white button ups.
and i noticed most every lady was in a different bright color.
red, purple, sky blue, hot pink, yellow.
during one of their groovin' numbers,
with hands lifted-heads boppin and bodies swaying,

they reminded me of fireworks.

they were the most explosive and by far the prettiest i'd ever seen!

i spent the rest of the night alone, playing piano & eating the heart out of a red watermelon.

it was the best 4th i've ever had.

sunday experiences

i went to the black church again Sunday morning.
i'm moved in every way when i'm there.
i've been inspired to get into photography
because of the amount of pictures that my heart takes during the service.
creative ideas flow in my head like a river.
my album cover art idea came to me while in their pew.
i feel their music on a real level.. i don't have to force myself to participate in the experience.
the music makes me bob my head & groove.. i can't be still!
i love how the atmosphere changes in the sanctuary whenever Bishop appears & makes his way to the pulpit while the worship is going on.
such a respect he the warmest way possible.
this man is poignant in the way he delivers his messages--intelligent, insightful & full on entertaining. touches of urban humor..oh yes!!
in particular though,
i love the beginning part of the service where this elderly black man in a 3 piece suit and 1970's glasses slowly walks up to the front to gets on his knees at the alter and earnestly pray for the congregation & the rest of the world.
it is chilling.

July 4, 2010

this is it.

[editor's note: i didn't proof read. sorry for any type0y-ness)

so, simply put..
i have been hanging on to Christianity by the skin of my teeth for the last several years.
when i was around 17, i began to research the belief that Hell wasn't eternal.
i found there was a doctrine that not only was backed with oodles of scriptures, but that was also more congruent with what scriptures claimed & what i felt the heart of God to be.. that of Unfailing Love & Mercy (a mercy that triumphed over judgement!)
this doctrine, "Christian Universalism", stated that we'd ALL ultimately be with Him.
that like the scripture in Romans 5 "if in Adam all died, in Christ all are made alive.."
(not just people who say the sinner's prayer)
it was nice to realize i wasn't the only one that thought the teaching of eternal hell as preposterous. the next few years i could better hang with Christianity.

then around 5 years ago more questions swirled in my head.
there was a time when i couldn't handle the insanity of it never making sense..
i prayed, i fasted, i sought counsel from the best of 'em.
but no light was ever shone on my questions.
and i was never graced with a peace in the not-knowing.
so i stopped believing it all together.
i didn't put a label on it, but if you had to pick one..
i guess it'd be an Agnostic belief i was upholding.
to think that what i knew as Truth was only just a pretty fairy tale to help us make it through our days made it the most devastating and depressing time of my life to date.
where was the hope for living? what happens when we die? what about this "call" (in the words of church prophets) on my life.. this great "Destiny" with singing for him? this "anointing" that i had.

i just didn't get how an All-Knowing & Loving God would create the option of Evil for his beloved children.. or how, with said qualities, he'd even be able to manufacture such an option!
i didn't know why we were offering him Thanks & Glory for "saving" us with Christ, if this story was indeed planned out from the beginning!
i felt like we were mere puppets in God' storybook.

after almost a year of this dark night of the soul,
i heard a message at someone's church about Thankfulness.
i began to practice it.
i would force myself to speak positively. usually out-loud.
but if i couldn't muster up the energy (which wasn't unusual), i'd think positive things.
"thank you God for helping me to understand" etc..
i believe the power of Life & Death is in our tongue.
you are what you think/speak.
so naturally, i started feeling better.. i felt i was experiencing God's voice -- His pursuit.
i started to feel that He was moving through everything.
not only through sacred things like nature and children, but through random t-shirt slogans and cheesy movies.

i attributed my return to the Faith in early 2006 to a "heart of Thanksgiving".. and being more child-like with just blindly believing!
but it was only a little while until deep down i was bothered again by everything else.
but because of my emotionally intense pentecostal roots & prophets voices, and because of my very close friendship i've shared with my parents.. the thought of not believing in this Faith was devastating. i didn't want it to not be true! i wanted it to make sense!!
i've had people suggest that i needed medicine more than once.
i've had a significant other tell me i was stubborn & rebellious or wishy-washy and get frustrated with me when i presented questions.
what i realize now is, those kind of reactions only mean that they didn't understand me or the genuineness of my inner struggle.

i kept holding to the Faith because it was more comfortable to believe.
and because i WANTED it to be real..
because i thought i experienced God's presence during those intimate worship sessions, heart to heart talks, or through Joyce Meyer's enjoyable speaking.
the bible tells us to share the salvation message of Christ with others.
but how could i explain it if i didn't really get it?
the last time i led any sort of worship with an undivided heart was probably 5 or so years ago.
i haven't known how to lead people into worship anymore..
and i surely didn't know how to "share the Gospel"...
i went on a missions trip to Mexico a couple years back.
the goal was to build houses for the poor.
i was down with that.
but unfortunately we mostly did street ministry..
we were at their mall & in their "hood" trying to convince them to accept Christ as Savior..
and though in groups of 6, i was lost as a goose.
it was another realization that i didn't know why i was believing what i was believing.
and boy that makes you feel really isolated.

through the next couple years i've been, more secretly than openly, up & down in my faith.
but never like that dreaded first time it hit me.
that is, until a few weeks ago.

(for the sake of my wrists... to be continued...)