July 16, 2010

the Before

Is It Over? (an unmixed song) by Annalisa

this is my first recording using Ableton Live 8.1.3
i have been introduced to the most exhilarating musical making process!

this song is in a completely raw, unmixed, first draft form.
(with the exception of a little reverb on my vocals.)
some ornamental elements that you hear will be removed, some will be added.
i may still play around with the lyrics, i may change the layout a little.
but one thing i do know:
magical beats are definitely to come.

i mic'd my piano for this one.

PS: i may post the "before" of a song more often. this is so you can experience its transformation--going from skeleton to a full coke bottle figure. :)


wearing a black cap and long coat,
this spiritual man dripped with character.
i'd always heard about him
& now i was finally getting the chance to meet him.
after hearing me sing,
he told me that there was something extra special about me.
he said my voice was beautiful, haunting.
that my music was akin to Sade, someone we both happened to love.
he was moved by my musical expression,
and encouraged me with great passion..
he "got" me...
and that was something i longed for.

i was just thinking about him and what he said only days ago.
that short moment we shared will never be forgotten.
HE will never be forgotten.

in some way, i want to be a better person because of him.

Rest in Peace, Pops.

July 15, 2010

sloppy sloppy sloppy sloppy

sweet sweet sweet

but who knows what anything means?

last night i dreamed i was at a high school prom dancing with a very
small framed black guy.
he seemed sad, and sickly.
i could see it in his eyes.
we had the most wonderful time dancing though.
he was handsome in his tux.
i felt compassion for him and was so glad i could give him some joy.
i know he gave me joy.

i think somehow subconsciously, i was thinking about William,
my dear friend who recently became very sick and passed on.

i wish i would have had more compassion, here in the natural.

July 11, 2010

so what does it mean?

all night i dreamed that i danced around in a beautiful turquoise wedding dress.


is it bondage when i keep distance from home to him?
am i free if i never read his words, for fear i fall again?

July 8, 2010


for some reason, finding out that Prince is a Jehovah's Witness has had my world all messed up.

July 7, 2010

lady lunchables

a classy mother and daughter dined in at lunch today.
they were celebrating the mother's birthday.
her name was Sue, & she turned 88 today!

everyone usually blurs together during a lunch rush, but these
ladies stood out!
i was happy to get to serve them.
the Mom had a cute little face & bubbly personality.
the daughter had the darkest hair, which i'm sure was natural at one point in her life, and she wore an all black suit with heels paired with lots of gaudy bright blue jewelry.
playing dress up for lunch..i love it!

here lately i've been appreciating the fact that i gave up tanning
over a year ago.
artificial light and unusual amounts of sunlight.
i did this for several reasons including wanting to be more health conscience,
and not wanting to be sucked into believing what the media tells you is "hot."
but sometimes i feel swayed to return to my old ways, especially now that it's summertime!
i'm seeing that i have my dad's coloring (dark hair) but my red-headed mother's skin tone!!
white as a sheet.

anyway, they started talking about my eyeshadow..
so naturally, i started dishing it up about Sephora.
i can't believe i didn't draw them out a map of how to get there on their napkin.

then, Sue looked up at me with a great big smile & said
"oh my! you have the whitest complexion!"
(or maybe i just startled her.. she did clutch her pearls. haha)

i couldn't tell if she said "whitest" or "brightest".. so i asked again.

nope, she said "whitest" --but then proceeded to tell me it was pretty.

that dear lady, who's prime was in the iconic 1940's, reinforced my decision to keep it natural and my day was whitened.
i mean brightened!

goodbye (old post from Feb 23)

Yesterday was a sad, sad day for me.
i lost my baby squirrel,
i had him for 17 days.
him and his siblings fell from an old oak tree February
he was the only one to survive.
i cleaned him up and gave him much love.
i had raised Pepper successfully,
so i was thrilled to be able to raise another!
(and this time a fox squirrel!)
getting up to feed them every 2-3 hours makes you become very attached.
you become their mother. you are their hope.
Cinco stayed as strong as he could,
and i did everything that i knew to do.
i really did.
but he just wasn't able to pull through.
i watched him take his last couple of breaths.
i've never seen anything like that before..
it's that point when you began to audibly beg them to hang in there.
i was really looking forward to his eyes opening.
their little eyes only open one at a time, and very slowly.
i wanted him to see me first!
the face to the voice that he hears.

after he died, we had a funeral in the backyard for him.
it was a memory that will stay with me forever.
when i think back to it, here's what comes to mind:

calm..like after a storm.
all of us walking quietly in a row through the woods towards the graveside.
purple gown.
mom's newly dyed bright red hair and milky white skin against the dusky sky.
dark red rose petals.
other fresh valentine day flowers left over. white daises, etc.
a chocolate truffle box from me and Jessica's lovely New Years trip, a perfect fit for Cinco to rest.
Dad's hard work to get a decent area for him.
a handmade stick cross.
and little Gavin helping Papa out... doing as much as he knew how to..
we were all working together to make this as precious and sacred as possible.

during the ceremony, i felt that this is what life is all about.
no one else was close to that little guy..

but a good family, Love,
suffers when you suffer.

July 6, 2010


you could probably draw a line down the middle of me.
this is my ongoing battle--
differentiating between the spirit (intuition) and the soul (thoughts, emotions).

but please don't fear for me!
or pity that i don't walk surefooted in the Christian Faith.
my Creator knows where i am, and my heart is wide open.
i feel happier and more at Peace with myself than i ever have.
i don't guess i've ever allowed myself time to really get to know ME.
me outside of a relationship.
me outside of the agony of coming out of the relationship.
i am finally at peace with the hard decisions i've had to make these past few years.
not nostalgia or pain free... but at peace.
i am on a life-journey anew.

4th of July

i visited the black church again Sunday morning.
the depths of the way that place moves me i could never explain.

the choir was sans robes, so everyone was in their Sunday best.
the men were mostly donned in white button ups.
and i noticed most every lady was in a different bright color.
red, purple, sky blue, hot pink, yellow.
during one of their groovin' numbers,
with hands lifted-heads boppin and bodies swaying,

they reminded me of fireworks.

they were the most explosive and by far the prettiest i'd ever seen!

i spent the rest of the night alone, playing piano & eating the heart out of a red watermelon.

it was the best 4th i've ever had.

sunday experiences

i went to the black church again Sunday morning.
i'm moved in every way when i'm there.
i've been inspired to get into photography
because of the amount of pictures that my heart takes during the service.
creative ideas flow in my head like a river.
my album cover art idea came to me while in their pew.
i feel their music on a real level.. i don't have to force myself to participate in the experience.
the music makes me bob my head & groove.. i can't be still!
i love how the atmosphere changes in the sanctuary whenever Bishop appears & makes his way to the pulpit while the worship is going on.
such a respect he demands...in the warmest way possible.
this man is poignant in the way he delivers his messages--intelligent, insightful & full on entertaining. touches of urban humor..oh yes!!
in particular though,
i love the beginning part of the service where this elderly black man in a 3 piece suit and 1970's glasses slowly walks up to the front to gets on his knees at the alter and earnestly pray for the congregation & the rest of the world.
it is chilling.

July 4, 2010

this is it.

[editor's note: i didn't proof read. sorry for any type0y-ness)

so, simply put..
i have been hanging on to Christianity by the skin of my teeth for the last several years.
when i was around 17, i began to research the belief that Hell wasn't eternal.
i found there was a doctrine that not only was backed with oodles of scriptures, but that was also more congruent with what scriptures claimed & what i felt the heart of God to be.. that of Unfailing Love & Mercy (a mercy that triumphed over judgement!)
this doctrine, "Christian Universalism", stated that we'd ALL ultimately be with Him.
that like the scripture in Romans 5 "if in Adam all died, in Christ all are made alive.."
(not just people who say the sinner's prayer)
it was nice to realize i wasn't the only one that thought the teaching of eternal hell as preposterous. the next few years i could better hang with Christianity.

then around 5 years ago more questions swirled in my head.
there was a time when i couldn't handle the insanity of it never making sense..
i prayed, i fasted, i sought counsel from the best of 'em.
but no light was ever shone on my questions.
and i was never graced with a peace in the not-knowing.
so i stopped believing it all together.
i didn't put a label on it, but if you had to pick one..
i guess it'd be an Agnostic belief i was upholding.
to think that what i knew as Truth was only just a pretty fairy tale to help us make it through our days made it the most devastating and depressing time of my life to date.
where was the hope for living? what happens when we die? what about this "call" (in the words of church prophets) on my life.. this great "Destiny" with singing for him? this "anointing" that i had.

i just didn't get how an All-Knowing & Loving God would create the option of Evil for his beloved children.. or how, with said qualities, he'd even be able to manufacture such an option!
i didn't know why we were offering him Thanks & Glory for "saving" us with Christ, if this story was indeed planned out from the beginning!
i felt like we were mere puppets in God' storybook.

after almost a year of this dark night of the soul,
i heard a message at someone's church about Thankfulness.
i began to practice it.
i would force myself to speak positively. usually out-loud.
but if i couldn't muster up the energy (which wasn't unusual), i'd think positive things.
"thank you God for helping me to understand" etc..
i believe the power of Life & Death is in our tongue.
you are what you think/speak.
so naturally, i started feeling better.. i felt i was experiencing God's voice -- His pursuit.
i started to feel that He was moving through everything.
not only through sacred things like nature and children, but through random t-shirt slogans and cheesy movies.

i attributed my return to the Faith in early 2006 to a "heart of Thanksgiving".. and being more child-like with just blindly believing!
but it was only a little while until deep down i was bothered again by everything else.
but because of my emotionally intense pentecostal roots & prophets voices, and because of my very close friendship i've shared with my parents.. the thought of not believing in this Faith was devastating. i didn't want it to not be true! i wanted it to make sense!!
i've had people suggest that i needed medicine more than once.
i've had a significant other tell me i was stubborn & rebellious or wishy-washy and get frustrated with me when i presented questions.
what i realize now is, those kind of reactions only mean that they didn't understand me or the genuineness of my inner struggle.

i kept holding to the Faith because it was more comfortable to believe.
and because i WANTED it to be real..
because i thought i experienced God's presence during those intimate worship sessions, heart to heart talks, or through Joyce Meyer's enjoyable speaking.
the bible tells us to share the salvation message of Christ with others.
but how could i explain it if i didn't really get it?
the last time i led any sort of worship with an undivided heart was probably 5 or so years ago.
i haven't known how to lead people into worship anymore..
and i surely didn't know how to "share the Gospel"...
i went on a missions trip to Mexico a couple years back.
the goal was to build houses for the poor.
i was down with that.
but unfortunately we mostly did street ministry..
we were at their mall & in their "hood" trying to convince them to accept Christ as Savior..
and though in groups of 6, i was lost as a goose.
it was another realization that i didn't know why i was believing what i was believing.
and boy that makes you feel really isolated.

through the next couple years i've been, more secretly than openly, up & down in my faith.
but never like that dreaded first time it hit me.
that is, until a few weeks ago.

(for the sake of my wrists... to be continued...)

July 3, 2010

to blog?

to blog or not to blog.
what is the purpose of having one?

well.. when i set this up, it was my intention to have a place where i could:

#1. do business: network for my Etsy shop (which is still under constructionish conditions, that'll change) and help the handmade world overall.
#2. have fun: post about things that i enjoy (ie: music, people, websites, art, etc.)
#3. help myself: use typing for the quickest & easiest way to release
my thoughts & experiences.
#4. help others: my hope was that by being open & sharing about my life-happenings & REAL feelings, readers could be affected & helped along in some way in their walk.

i haven't blogged as consistently as i've wanted.
i think i've struggled with how open i can be on here.
i've been discouraged by my bouncy psyche,
and have waited for things to get a little more clear
so i don't give broken messages.

i will say this: sugary coats & fear of man are being
thrown out of the window!
i've come to deeply appreciate & actually enjoy this
special process that i'm in.
i'm now ok with sharing broken messages because..
that is simply where i am right now.
i know there have got to be others out there that'll feel me.
and if one person does, that's all that matters.... right?