August 31, 2009


i notice that i usually go without notebook journaling for long periods of time when i'm the most emotionally drained.
i guess i feel like i am replaying conversations and situations (and possible ones) so much in my head all day, and even in my dream life, that i give myself a break by NOT journaling.

but it's probably the best time for me to write...


this should have been taken care of well over a month ago,
but last night i got all of my belongings out of what would have been my home.
i gave back the ring that held such precious value.
i returned the leopard print key, that opened the door to our special creation.
and inbetween tears, i still managed to enjoy every minute with the person i'm leaving.
you're telling me it doesn't make sense.
nothing has ever hurt more.
and it seems so self inflicted, i know.

see this pain through, Annalisa.
that's what i keep getting.

in regards to going forward right now in this relationship,
i don't have a "green light"...
and i explain myself ragged when asked "Why?"
but i've decided to stop trying to explain myself to the Askers..
not only because i'm sick to death of talking about it, but
because it doesn't make much sense to me either.
so when asked (by myself & others) why i don't have a "green light"
my answer will be "i don't know, but i just don't."
and i'll rest in that.
and i'll trust that when it's time for me to take the step of relationship again in my life,
i'll have a big fat shiny ray of Green beaming in my eyes.

other news:
in the mix of my belongings was 10 or so cans of paint, the ones i used to pretty up the nest.
on the way home, i kept smelling a strong paint smell.
i thought "that paint sure is strong."
then it hit me..
oh God i hope they haven't spilled!
it was around 2AM.
holding in my freak-out,
i drove another mile to the closest gas station.
pulled up, opened the electric slide door, and BAM!!
2 full gallons HIT the ground.
thick interior paint ran like a double river.
half cream, half terracotta.
my toes, the van, and the parking lot were drenched.

and all the cashier had to mop it up was deli napkins.

August 27, 2009

naked harping

sometimes my spiritual walk gets very cloudy,
& no there's not a pattern of it happening when there are storms in my life.
it's been a battle since i was old enough to vote.
or maybe, think for myself.
tonight, i am so sad. 3 years is a long time to be with someone, to then just cut it off.
especially when the reason you broke up wasn't because you didn't like them! or vice versa.
we created the funnest, most childlike friendship love affair that i've ever known.
and God i miss him.

i sat across the table from a lady today who's the most eccentric person i've ever met.
it's almost uncomfortable at times to be around her, because of her own awkwardness.
i find myself becoming more silly & chilled out to help her feel comfortable.
but then again, maybe she's completely comfortable.
either way, i can tell she really likes me. and i like her.
inbetween guitar sessions in her studio, she taught me to make goat cheese.
i met her chickens out back & her donkey Ruthie.
she owns 2 looms, makes knives from scratch metal & raises bees for honey.
except for the TV, it's like Little House on the Prairie out there, which i love.
i pour my heart out to her about my recent relationship split, & she listens & gives good Wisdom. tells me to just wait & that it can't hurt anything.. and to pray blessings over him.
i am..

we feasted on homemade soup & carob bread & sipped alkaline water as she showed me pictures from her visit to Nicaragua.. it was a missions trip with her church.
over 3,000 people came to the crusade they put on. over 1,700 "souls were saved"..
this is nothing against her, but..i don't know what it is..but i start getting this certain strange feeling, somewhat sinking, when it comes to "Christian" stuff...
she feels we are in the last days.. but i don't. Haven't we been saying that for 2,000 years?
she believes the Earth is 6,000 years old. i don't.
she also feels bars aren't the best place to play. but i love them.
i actually prefer playing them i think.

i don't ever think about the End times,
and i'd only feel good talking to a scholar about it if i did.
i don't feel compelled to tell strangers about Christ,
& i don't feel that there is eternal punishment.
at this point in my life, unless God shows me otherwise,
i believe Hell is remedial.
i started researching that view 8 years ago.

i like the scripture:
2 Samuel 14:14 (NRSV)
"We must all die; we are like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be gathered up. But God will not take away a life; he will devise plans so as not to keep an outcast banished for ever from his presence."

i really don't care if i go on a missions trip again, either.
at least not to go and get them all saved..
i'd want my mission to be to hug the heck out of them, sing songs, & give them wonderful things like cupcakes... really pretty ones.
and i'd like to burn up with sweat by building them something they can use right now.
water lines, a house, a garden.
maybe they call that shining the Light by example.
maybe i could be the poster child for that.
and then when asked why i glow.. i share my Faith.

what am i?
i have a relationship of some sort with Christ.
i don't understand the Bible completely, and i'm ok with the mystery it entails..
i guess i just don't know how to talk to people about it.
because most of the time,
i don't really get it myself.

is that possible? to have a relationship.. to get revelation on some things from the Word & communicate through prayer to a Being, & believe in praying in tounges, but not really understand the storyline of it all?
do not fear, i'm not becoming depressed over this again..
i've gone through that hell too many times..
i just really wonder where i fit in sometimes.

really, what feels right.. what feels the BEST is right along the lines of my favorite author Kent Nerburn..
but he believes that everyone finds their own path to God.
We are to just Love.
but i'm too afraid to run full blown with least not yet.

i believe the highest thought i can think of for a Savior, is Christ.
but if someone is born into another belief system & it makes them feel sanity & connection to Eternity.. i just don't feel a deep need to go "reach" them..

If God is God is God.. then he will win.
Not some, but all...
For that is true Victory, in my little eyes.

Now that everyone is good and offended, & scared for my soul... goodnight!

August 23, 2009

August 17, 2009

aug 17

here's a little idea of what i've been working on in my friends classroom. cell phone pic.
i stayed frustrated for almost the entire day yesterday. i really don't know why. possibly my lunch experience...
went to church (Thrive) with my cousin/bff-er James, and i really enjoyed it there. i like the people. anyway a big group of us went to eat heart healthy Mexican food afterwards. the smell in that place was TERRIBLE. it wasn't a rotty smell, but a cleaner smell. a very strong cleaner-- possibly Fabuloso, (which i happen to love in small quantities).. i don't know what they were cooking with back there-- they had a street fighter mexican with scary eyes delivering our chips and ketchupy salsa. One guy at our table had a plastic wrapper mixed in with his enchilada & a centipede crawled over my foot in the girls restroom.. all of this mixed together-- made me order a Sprite. i NEVER drink Sprite. but i was, with no exaggeration, nauseous.
oh and, they got my order wrong, so i didn't even pay for my food.
i sent it back.
i felt like such a brat.
i did manage to appreciate the pleather kelly green booths they had, tho.

today is better.
i miss someone still.
but i'm hanging in there.
keeping myself busy.
made an at home photo studio:
here's the picture it captured. this is with natural lighting, outside:

(found this vintage bad boy at a little thrift shop in town.)

August 14, 2009


i found this little guy in my animal crackers!

it startled me at first!

but then i saw it was only a toy,
courtesy of my 3 year old nephew.

too cute huh?

August 12, 2009

sneak peak

Here's a sneak peak at what's to come in my Etsy shop!

Say hello to the newest additions to the Sweet Tooth Family.

Cupcake Pillows & Stuffies.

stay tuned to

August 7, 2009


when i was little, i wanted to be a balloon when i grew up.

August 3, 2009

your eyes.

the other day my mom found an old notebook that was filled with writings from my 10 year old mind.

inside a poem simply read:

"Your Eyes"

White skies,

Pink skies,

Blue skies,

That's your eyes.



driving on.

i was in Monticello the other day helping my good friend Jessica get her speech therapy room all set up for the new school year. we're going to decorate Hawaii style!
i've always loved the drive to Warren/Monticello because the drive is basically a straight road the whole way, there are never any cops in sight & traffic is slim to none.
it always seemed so safe and ok to speed.
i remember once in high school, i think it was 11th grade, i was pimping the vintage sea foam green mercedes-benz. i was flying in that thing. it drove so smooth, you felt like you were flying.
the speedometer could get up to 16o mph!
what was it, a race car?
i hit 120, but started getting that creepy i'm-a-little-closer-to-death feeling, so i let off.

but man it felt good.

this particular day i wasn't flying like that.
different ride. pimping the soccer mom.
but i was having a blast.
listening to loud music with the windows down.
the clouds were all fluffy and hug worthy in the sky.
it was a clear beautiful day that matched my mind
and i wanted to take a picture of myself in it.

so i did.

it was a big deal for me to get the guts to pull over and take a
picture of myself in the middle of the road.
i was feeling all shy, not wanting people to see me,
but.. i really wanted to capture this moment with myself so - - I DID IT.

i don't know what i learned from this, but i got something.