Sterling.
An elderly, classy black woman at church spoke about how to have "sterling character".
i like that.. and i'm asking God to make me whole.
i've been remembering alot from back when i was a pre-teen/early teenager.
i see an insecure girl that had so much stolen from her.
and God is breaking any and all ties that aren't from Him.
tonight is another tough one..
but that's how it goes when you break away from the familiar,
whether that something was good for you or not.
i'm in a process.
and God is speaking
through it all.
Matthew 11:28
"Come to Me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and i will give you rest."
December 16, 2009
December 6, 2009
almost 26.
Around 8AM i will be saying hello to 26 years of age.
now i'm closer to the 30 side.
this is the first time i've started to feel like i'm getting "old".
i've actually been thinking about my skin & how it will start to age.
i've been washing my face nightly and i never do that.
i think i'm about to start applying wrinkle cream.
ya know, just to prevent.
i've also thought about the wounds in my life and the fragments of half of my 20's and how the Lord is going to gather them all up and use them for His glory!
i have victory in Christ.
i may write a book one day.
i see big things for my future.
it's good to speak these things over yourself.
i remember a song i co-wrote years ago,
the chorus was:
"there is always Hope.. as sure as the waters rush in His voice..Sing this again for the first time!"
i am a happy, happy person at my core.
once again, it's good to be alive.
now i'm closer to the 30 side.
this is the first time i've started to feel like i'm getting "old".
i've actually been thinking about my skin & how it will start to age.
i've been washing my face nightly and i never do that.
i think i'm about to start applying wrinkle cream.
ya know, just to prevent.
i've also thought about the wounds in my life and the fragments of half of my 20's and how the Lord is going to gather them all up and use them for His glory!
i have victory in Christ.
i may write a book one day.
i see big things for my future.
it's good to speak these things over yourself.
i remember a song i co-wrote years ago,
the chorus was:
"there is always Hope.. as sure as the waters rush in His voice..Sing this again for the first time!"
i am a happy, happy person at my core.
once again, it's good to be alive.
November 22, 2009
November 19, 2009
November 18, 2009
November 17, 2009
November 15, 2009
sick again
my fever is down enough for me to blog some.
this is the third time in a month for me to get horribly ill.
i had a fun craft fair planned for today that i worked hard for,
but couldn't make it!
my immune system seems shot.
sometimes do you ever wonder what we're all doing here on this planet?
like, what's the goal?
we all die.
you raise a family but.. for what?
i'm not getting weird and negative..
i just have been thinking about it.
do we have a family so they can enhance our life?
or so they can experience life?
or is there something bigger than that?
like..what's the bigger picture??
i need to know.
this is the third time in a month for me to get horribly ill.
i had a fun craft fair planned for today that i worked hard for,
but couldn't make it!
my immune system seems shot.
sometimes do you ever wonder what we're all doing here on this planet?
like, what's the goal?
we all die.
you raise a family but.. for what?
i'm not getting weird and negative..
i just have been thinking about it.
do we have a family so they can enhance our life?
or so they can experience life?
or is there something bigger than that?
like..what's the bigger picture??
i need to know.
November 10, 2009
|||
ever wonder what is God's will for your life?
wonder no more...
1 Thessalonians 5:18
"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you..."
oh Father i need you.
everything is so fragile.
wonder no more...
1 Thessalonians 5:18
"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you..."
oh Father i need you.
everything is so fragile.
November 7, 2009
ran-dom-ness
i haven't notebook journaled one lick since my last big heartache, in July-ish.
that's not like me to go this long.
i've felt exhausted emotionally many a times in my few years.
i go about my day, i get things done..
but every once in awhile i get a tiny peek into my feminine soul..
and there is so much hurt.
it almost knocks the wind out of me.
got back from California.
i love it when music just flows.
like you don't have to MAKE it happen, it just happens!
we all created 2 really awesome songs.
i want to make more!!
i'm beginning to write a song based out of the Song of Songs.
it's going to be worshippy & soft & light & meaningful.
i've felt very disconnected in life.
i don't know another word for it..
but it's like i haven't FELT in awhile..
i want to taste & see the glory of God.
i want to abide in Him & Him in ME.
i saw Pepper yesterday.
i was so excited driving on my way to see him.
it'd been over 2 weeks.
i hoped he'd remember me..
i dreamed about him a few times while gone.
but... he was SO squirrley.
running around fast and acting crazy and gnawing on me!
i gave him several acorns so he'd devoured them instead of my fingers.
he'd grown. his entire belly was white & furry, & his tail super fluffy.
he was so, so cute.
good thing i got that visit in, because
today, my Uncle told me he ran away into a tree.
i know Pepper's happy.
right where he belongs. :)
i'll never forget him!
we have a NUTT family reunion tomorrow.
been working on it all yesterday & today.
my parents & i cleaned out my great-grandparents house & dolled it up to have the reunion there tomorrow.
that place is filled with history.
people get their little nest all fixed up & create a life & then in the snap of a finger... they're gone.
it's really sad. but it's life.
i like what someone said about life:
"i just look at today & trust God with today.. if i look any further than that, i'm done."
i AM done if i look or think too far into the future.. when i start weighing it all out.
i am just taking every minute by minute and trusting God with my life and decisions right NOW.
it's so good to know there is a GOD and he's very aware of me & loves me.
we all need to ABIDE IN HIM.
Trust, trust, trust.
it's all going to work out for the good.
xoxo
that's not like me to go this long.
i've felt exhausted emotionally many a times in my few years.
i go about my day, i get things done..
but every once in awhile i get a tiny peek into my feminine soul..
and there is so much hurt.
it almost knocks the wind out of me.
got back from California.
i love it when music just flows.
like you don't have to MAKE it happen, it just happens!
we all created 2 really awesome songs.
i want to make more!!
i'm beginning to write a song based out of the Song of Songs.
it's going to be worshippy & soft & light & meaningful.
i've felt very disconnected in life.
i don't know another word for it..
but it's like i haven't FELT in awhile..
i want to taste & see the glory of God.
i want to abide in Him & Him in ME.
i saw Pepper yesterday.
i was so excited driving on my way to see him.
it'd been over 2 weeks.
i hoped he'd remember me..
i dreamed about him a few times while gone.
but... he was SO squirrley.
running around fast and acting crazy and gnawing on me!
i gave him several acorns so he'd devoured them instead of my fingers.
he'd grown. his entire belly was white & furry, & his tail super fluffy.
he was so, so cute.
good thing i got that visit in, because
today, my Uncle told me he ran away into a tree.
i know Pepper's happy.
right where he belongs. :)
i'll never forget him!
we have a NUTT family reunion tomorrow.
been working on it all yesterday & today.
my parents & i cleaned out my great-grandparents house & dolled it up to have the reunion there tomorrow.
that place is filled with history.
people get their little nest all fixed up & create a life & then in the snap of a finger... they're gone.
it's really sad. but it's life.
i like what someone said about life:
"i just look at today & trust God with today.. if i look any further than that, i'm done."
i AM done if i look or think too far into the future.. when i start weighing it all out.
i am just taking every minute by minute and trusting God with my life and decisions right NOW.
it's so good to know there is a GOD and he's very aware of me & loves me.
we all need to ABIDE IN HIM.
Trust, trust, trust.
it's all going to work out for the good.
xoxo
October 27, 2009
holy moly it's 6AM
i think i have the flu again.
i'm so achey & my throat is so sore!
bad timing.
people here have been sick alot.
i finished a song at the studio today.
i love it.
it's called "Please Remember."
my creativity is spinning out of control.
it hasn't been like that in a long time.
i feel i thrive when i collaborate with others.
we're dealing predominantly with electronica.
and i think it's beating my last studio experience.
i am amazed by the over abundance of beats, sounds, & synths & how you can manipulate them into exactly what you want.
i think my voice suits this music.
i'm a huge fan of down beats & trip hop..
i just never knew how to make that kind of music.
& now i'm getting a taste of it!
think Massive Attack.
woo!
back to the present... i just got back from the grocery store & bought fresh ginger & lemon & grated them both into boiling water.
then mixed in honey to make a tea of sorts in hopes of making me feel better.
sounds good, tastes terrible.
i think i didn't have my proportions right.
sip sip sip.
there is a gas station up the road that has a toy machine filled with mini ice creams & teeny animals & such.
i put in a quarter & got a little fat gummie cow pencil topper.
i'm so achey & my throat is so sore!
bad timing.
people here have been sick alot.
i finished a song at the studio today.
i love it.
it's called "Please Remember."
my creativity is spinning out of control.
it hasn't been like that in a long time.
i feel i thrive when i collaborate with others.
we're dealing predominantly with electronica.
and i think it's beating my last studio experience.
i am amazed by the over abundance of beats, sounds, & synths & how you can manipulate them into exactly what you want.
i think my voice suits this music.
i'm a huge fan of down beats & trip hop..
i just never knew how to make that kind of music.
& now i'm getting a taste of it!
think Massive Attack.
woo!
back to the present... i just got back from the grocery store & bought fresh ginger & lemon & grated them both into boiling water.
then mixed in honey to make a tea of sorts in hopes of making me feel better.
sounds good, tastes terrible.
i think i didn't have my proportions right.
sip sip sip.
there is a gas station up the road that has a toy machine filled with mini ice creams & teeny animals & such.
i put in a quarter & got a little fat gummie cow pencil topper.
October 22, 2009
X
tired.
i gave pepper to my uncle while i'm gone.
he is squirrel-sitting.
i miss peps.
i'm in cali for 2 weeks to work on some new tunes.
my flight from Chicago to here yesterday was over 4 hours.
it was miserable to say the least.
turbulence like mad.
i love those magical fall leaves.
the little fly away yellows.
i gave pepper to my uncle while i'm gone.
he is squirrel-sitting.
i miss peps.
i'm in cali for 2 weeks to work on some new tunes.
my flight from Chicago to here yesterday was over 4 hours.
it was miserable to say the least.
turbulence like mad.
i love those magical fall leaves.
the little fly away yellows.
October 16, 2009
45th Psalm
how pretty!
it's a love song.
sung to the tune of "Lilies"...
so sweet.
in verse 1:
"..for my tounge is like the pen of a skillful poet."
it's a love song.
sung to the tune of "Lilies"...
so sweet.
in verse 1:
"..for my tounge is like the pen of a skillful poet."
October 12, 2009
pssst..
towards any person,
no matter how juicy the tidbit of information..
may no evil or slanderous word leave my tounge.
i believe the issue of GOSSIP is perhaps something we don't confront enough in the church.
and my God is it rampant.
information below gathered from a talkjesus.com forum.
i stand rebuked. do you?
WHAT IS GOSSIP?
The above verses teach that GOSSIPS, SLANDERERS,WHISPERERS, etc., are words used to describe those who spread true information about a person, but the information concerns "things not proper to mention." We saw that these "things" could include "a transgression," "evil," "dishonor," "a matter," the "secrets of another," or "knowledge," and generally focus in on the past sins, mistakes, and failures of that person.
WHO GOSSIPS?
The arrogant and unforgiving attitude of our sin nature makes us ALL susceptible to getting involved in this abominable sin of gossip. In our selfishness, we feel better about ourselves when we can point to another person's failures.We saw that those that practice the sin of gossip are referred to as "worthless, perverse, wicked, hateful, fools."
WHAT TO DO ABOUT GOSSIP?
The Bible makes it very clear that just because we may have some true information, we do not have the right to share that information, especially when that information is damaging to an individual. Even when a Christian is in sin, it is to be kept quiet, private, and should be dealt with on a person-to-person basis, as follows::
Matthew 18:15 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to
you, you have won your brother.
You go to your brother "in private." If "you have won your brother," the story stops there! If he continues in sin, then you go back with no more than two brothers, as follows:
Matthew 18:16 “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that
by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.
If you win your brother with two more witnesses, the story stops there. If he won't listen, proceed as follows::
Matthew 18:17 “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to
listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
If your brother is won by the church, THE STORY STOPS THERE! If he continues in sin, he is to be put out of the church, and yes, you can tell others to perhaps warn them. But telling everyone about a sinning brother could be very damaging to the cause of Christ and the gospel. Does it really do any good to spread other people's failures when we all fail the Lord so many times? Remember, GOSSIP sows strife among the brothers, it's an ABOMINATION!
If someone comes to you and seems to be "GOSSIPING," (slandering another person), stop them immediately! Ask them if they have talked to the person that they seem to be gossiping about. Have they confronted this person about their sin? Has this person gone through church discipline? Is the person still practicing the sin? If the sin or problem has been dealt with, then the person "gossiping" should be confronted for sinning against you and against the person they are talking about. They need to apologize to you and the person they have slandered. You might even say to this person, "Why not tell me about some of your own failures instead of another person's failures. Will my knowing about another person's failures make my Christian walk any better?" "Will this information edify me?" Meditate on the following verses:
Ephesians 4:29-32 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
no matter how juicy the tidbit of information..
may no evil or slanderous word leave my tounge.
i believe the issue of GOSSIP is perhaps something we don't confront enough in the church.
and my God is it rampant.
information below gathered from a talkjesus.com forum.
i stand rebuked. do you?
WHAT IS GOSSIP?
The above verses teach that GOSSIPS, SLANDERERS,WHISPERERS, etc., are words used to describe those who spread true information about a person, but the information concerns "things not proper to mention." We saw that these "things" could include "a transgression," "evil," "dishonor," "a matter," the "secrets of another," or "knowledge," and generally focus in on the past sins, mistakes, and failures of that person.
WHO GOSSIPS?
The arrogant and unforgiving attitude of our sin nature makes us ALL susceptible to getting involved in this abominable sin of gossip. In our selfishness, we feel better about ourselves when we can point to another person's failures.We saw that those that practice the sin of gossip are referred to as "worthless, perverse, wicked, hateful, fools."
WHAT TO DO ABOUT GOSSIP?
The Bible makes it very clear that just because we may have some true information, we do not have the right to share that information, especially when that information is damaging to an individual. Even when a Christian is in sin, it is to be kept quiet, private, and should be dealt with on a person-to-person basis, as follows::
Matthew 18:15 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to
you, you have won your brother.
You go to your brother "in private." If "you have won your brother," the story stops there! If he continues in sin, then you go back with no more than two brothers, as follows:
Matthew 18:16 “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that
by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.
If you win your brother with two more witnesses, the story stops there. If he won't listen, proceed as follows::
Matthew 18:17 “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to
listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
If your brother is won by the church, THE STORY STOPS THERE! If he continues in sin, he is to be put out of the church, and yes, you can tell others to perhaps warn them. But telling everyone about a sinning brother could be very damaging to the cause of Christ and the gospel. Does it really do any good to spread other people's failures when we all fail the Lord so many times? Remember, GOSSIP sows strife among the brothers, it's an ABOMINATION!
If someone comes to you and seems to be "GOSSIPING," (slandering another person), stop them immediately! Ask them if they have talked to the person that they seem to be gossiping about. Have they confronted this person about their sin? Has this person gone through church discipline? Is the person still practicing the sin? If the sin or problem has been dealt with, then the person "gossiping" should be confronted for sinning against you and against the person they are talking about. They need to apologize to you and the person they have slandered. You might even say to this person, "Why not tell me about some of your own failures instead of another person's failures. Will my knowing about another person's failures make my Christian walk any better?" "Will this information edify me?" Meditate on the following verses:
Ephesians 4:29-32 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
October 8, 2009
October 2, 2009
September 30, 2009
September 29, 2009
tuesday evening
i want to understand worship more.
i want to understand the heart of God, and God's heart for me.
i CAN hear from Him, & i refuse to believe otherwise.
i am thankful that my path is being directed by the
glow of the lamp...
ever so dim as it may be at times.
i think about fasting & prayer.
and how some things come only by these.
deeper. i want to know me.
& i WILL know you.
September 17, 2009
September 7, 2009
discovery!
earlier today when i walked outside to head to my brothers house,
i heard a little squeeky noise.
i turned around to find my cat Fraidy jumping around and patting the grass with his paws.
i ran over to see what it was and found it was a baby squirrel trying to run for it's tiny life!
i started yelling and shooing off the cat, and scrambled to pick up the little guy.
he wasn't hurt, it didn't seem.
thank goodness.
so i loved him up, and got him a shoe-box home, and fed him diluted pet milk with a dropper for supper.
he's so small, his eyes aren't even opened yet.
i heard a little squeeky noise.
i turned around to find my cat Fraidy jumping around and patting the grass with his paws.
i ran over to see what it was and found it was a baby squirrel trying to run for it's tiny life!
i started yelling and shooing off the cat, and scrambled to pick up the little guy.
he wasn't hurt, it didn't seem.
thank goodness.
so i loved him up, and got him a shoe-box home, and fed him diluted pet milk with a dropper for supper.
he's so small, his eyes aren't even opened yet.
i've decided to name him Pepper.
after finding him, i got pretty emotional for some reason..
maybe because i saved it's life (hopefully it's a long life)
or because i wished that
someone who loves animals & sweet things
was with me at the discovery.
i was surprised that today wasn't 24 in any way.
goodnight..
September 6, 2009
giddy up.
well, i stepped out of my comfort zone tonight.
a good friend of mine really wanted me to go ride horses with her & a bunch of country folk.
i've never rode a horse.
never really desired to.
and i'm not into anything much "country"
but she promised me i'd love it.
so i said yes.
we all walked out to the field to see the horses,
flashlights in hand.
the light caught 2 horses, that were "connecting".
i was like WHAT THE?!
that was probably the highlight of the night for me.
not trying to be all weird-- it was just a powerful mating process.
good ole nature.
i was really on edge around the horses, tho.
they're so big and strong,
and surely they have a mind of their own..
stories i've heard about people getting kicked in the head or being stomped to death by the beasts swirled through my head.
but i kept sucking it up, to try and have a good time & not dissapoint my friend that invited me.
one of the men folk out there looked like a rough version of one of the guys
from 7 brides for 7 brothers.
pretty red hair.
his name was John Boy.
him, including all the men--the riding pros--
(my protecters when the horses drag me off into the woods)--
were lit.
i began to feel even more out of place & unsafe.
finally tho, with much prodding, i saddled up on a horse named Sassy.
i rode her around the yard area.
even though i was still a little scared, i really enjoyed the ride.
i liked being up so high.
i thought about horses as transporation for the Indians,
my heritage.
i imagined that i lived back then.
i love stories from the 1800s.
well,
my beer was hot.
the mosquitos were out,
& the air was thick and smelled of manure.
(these people were lapping it up tho! right at home in the boonies!)
my friend kept telling me, i know this is not your style out here,
but just look at it like you're in a movie!
i said "I have been Jess, but movies are usually over in an hour and a half!"
the plan i guess, was for me to ride off into the woods until daylight,
but i just couldn't. so i left.
for a first time ride, around the yard was enough for me.
if it's any longer than that, i'd like to have at least one sober instructor on board & possibly the sun shining so i can see where i'm going.
i experienced a whole different culture right in my own town.
(EDIT: i think that IS the culture of my town.)
and everyone of those people were precious.
but i felt so, so out of place.
i kept feeling bad about it too..
i called my cousin to vent & he said "but Annalisa, if you were to take John Boy and stick him in a wine and cheese tasting, he'd feel out of place too."
so there. :)
a good friend of mine really wanted me to go ride horses with her & a bunch of country folk.
i've never rode a horse.
never really desired to.
and i'm not into anything much "country"
but she promised me i'd love it.
so i said yes.
we all walked out to the field to see the horses,
flashlights in hand.
the light caught 2 horses, that were "connecting".
i was like WHAT THE?!
that was probably the highlight of the night for me.
not trying to be all weird-- it was just a powerful mating process.
good ole nature.
i was really on edge around the horses, tho.
they're so big and strong,
and surely they have a mind of their own..
stories i've heard about people getting kicked in the head or being stomped to death by the beasts swirled through my head.
but i kept sucking it up, to try and have a good time & not dissapoint my friend that invited me.
one of the men folk out there looked like a rough version of one of the guys
from 7 brides for 7 brothers.
pretty red hair.
his name was John Boy.
him, including all the men--the riding pros--
(my protecters when the horses drag me off into the woods)--
were lit.
i began to feel even more out of place & unsafe.
finally tho, with much prodding, i saddled up on a horse named Sassy.
i rode her around the yard area.
even though i was still a little scared, i really enjoyed the ride.
i liked being up so high.
i thought about horses as transporation for the Indians,
my heritage.
i imagined that i lived back then.
i love stories from the 1800s.
well,
my beer was hot.
the mosquitos were out,
& the air was thick and smelled of manure.
(these people were lapping it up tho! right at home in the boonies!)
my friend kept telling me, i know this is not your style out here,
but just look at it like you're in a movie!
i said "I have been Jess, but movies are usually over in an hour and a half!"
the plan i guess, was for me to ride off into the woods until daylight,
but i just couldn't. so i left.
for a first time ride, around the yard was enough for me.
if it's any longer than that, i'd like to have at least one sober instructor on board & possibly the sun shining so i can see where i'm going.
i experienced a whole different culture right in my own town.
(EDIT: i think that IS the culture of my town.)
and everyone of those people were precious.
but i felt so, so out of place.
i kept feeling bad about it too..
i called my cousin to vent & he said "but Annalisa, if you were to take John Boy and stick him in a wine and cheese tasting, he'd feel out of place too."
so there. :)
September 3, 2009
i saw it too.
they took my breath away, those clouds.
i was walking hurridly last night to the studio to turn off the lights,
when suddenly i was stopped in my tracks by an energy above..i slowly looked up.
there was a dance in the wonder world going on above my head.
the moon, the little star planet & the clouds were working together to create
the most magical sky i'd seen in quite some time.
thousands of grey clouds with a ring of dying fire around them,
were making their way home.
i thought about God.
and i decided it was so, so good to believe.
i was walking hurridly last night to the studio to turn off the lights,
when suddenly i was stopped in my tracks by an energy above..i slowly looked up.
there was a dance in the wonder world going on above my head.
the moon, the little star planet & the clouds were working together to create
the most magical sky i'd seen in quite some time.
thousands of grey clouds with a ring of dying fire around them,
were making their way home.
i thought about God.
and i decided it was so, so good to believe.
ohhhh my gooodney
i love needle felted plushies. this is one of my favorites i've come across.
i can't help but talk baby talk when i look at him!
$20 at www.asherjasper.etsy.com
i can't help but talk baby talk when i look at him!
$20 at www.asherjasper.etsy.com
September 2, 2009
fun business
someone said i'm in the "FUN" business.
i like that, because if you know me at all... i love confetti and balloons, parties and bright colors.
i hope those attributes aren't causing me to refrain from "adult" things tho..
like getting married.
hmm..
my first cherry pillow.
paired with a blushing cupcake.
August 31, 2009
|||
i notice that i usually go without notebook journaling for long periods of time when i'm the most emotionally drained.
i guess i feel like i am replaying conversations and situations (and possible ones) so much in my head all day, and even in my dream life, that i give myself a break by NOT journaling.
but it's probably the best time for me to write...
anyway,
this should have been taken care of well over a month ago,
but last night i got all of my belongings out of what would have been my home.
i gave back the ring that held such precious value.
i returned the leopard print key, that opened the door to our special creation.
and inbetween tears, i still managed to enjoy every minute with the person i'm leaving.
you're telling me it doesn't make sense.
nothing has ever hurt more.
and it seems so self inflicted, i know.
see this pain through, Annalisa.
that's what i keep getting.
in regards to going forward right now in this relationship,
i don't have a "green light"...
and i explain myself ragged when asked "Why?"
but i've decided to stop trying to explain myself to the Askers..
not only because i'm sick to death of talking about it, but
because it doesn't make much sense to me either.
so when asked (by myself & others) why i don't have a "green light"
my answer will be "i don't know, but i just don't."
and i'll rest in that.
and i'll trust that when it's time for me to take the step of relationship again in my life,
i'll have a big fat shiny ray of Green beaming in my eyes.
other news:
in the mix of my belongings was 10 or so cans of paint, the ones i used to pretty up the nest.
on the way home, i kept smelling a strong paint smell.
i thought "that paint sure is strong."
then it hit me..
oh God i hope they haven't spilled!
it was around 2AM.
holding in my freak-out,
i drove another mile to the closest gas station.
pulled up, opened the electric slide door, and BAM!!
2 full gallons HIT the ground.
thick interior paint ran like a double river.
half cream, half terracotta.
my toes, the van, and the parking lot were drenched.
and all the cashier had to mop it up was deli napkins.
i guess i feel like i am replaying conversations and situations (and possible ones) so much in my head all day, and even in my dream life, that i give myself a break by NOT journaling.
but it's probably the best time for me to write...
anyway,
this should have been taken care of well over a month ago,
but last night i got all of my belongings out of what would have been my home.
i gave back the ring that held such precious value.
i returned the leopard print key, that opened the door to our special creation.
and inbetween tears, i still managed to enjoy every minute with the person i'm leaving.
you're telling me it doesn't make sense.
nothing has ever hurt more.
and it seems so self inflicted, i know.
see this pain through, Annalisa.
that's what i keep getting.
in regards to going forward right now in this relationship,
i don't have a "green light"...
and i explain myself ragged when asked "Why?"
but i've decided to stop trying to explain myself to the Askers..
not only because i'm sick to death of talking about it, but
because it doesn't make much sense to me either.
so when asked (by myself & others) why i don't have a "green light"
my answer will be "i don't know, but i just don't."
and i'll rest in that.
and i'll trust that when it's time for me to take the step of relationship again in my life,
i'll have a big fat shiny ray of Green beaming in my eyes.
other news:
in the mix of my belongings was 10 or so cans of paint, the ones i used to pretty up the nest.
on the way home, i kept smelling a strong paint smell.
i thought "that paint sure is strong."
then it hit me..
oh God i hope they haven't spilled!
it was around 2AM.
holding in my freak-out,
i drove another mile to the closest gas station.
pulled up, opened the electric slide door, and BAM!!
2 full gallons HIT the ground.
thick interior paint ran like a double river.
half cream, half terracotta.
my toes, the van, and the parking lot were drenched.
and all the cashier had to mop it up was deli napkins.
August 28, 2009
August 27, 2009
naked harping
sometimes my spiritual walk gets very cloudy,
& no there's not a pattern of it happening when there are storms in my life.
it's been a battle since i was old enough to vote.
or maybe, think for myself.
tonight, i am so sad. 3 years is a long time to be with someone, to then just cut it off.
especially when the reason you broke up wasn't because you didn't like them! or vice versa.
we created the funnest, most childlike friendship love affair that i've ever known.
and God i miss him.
i sat across the table from a lady today who's the most eccentric person i've ever met.
it's almost uncomfortable at times to be around her, because of her own awkwardness.
i find myself becoming more silly & chilled out to help her feel comfortable.
but then again, maybe she's completely comfortable.
either way, i can tell she really likes me. and i like her.
inbetween guitar sessions in her studio, she taught me to make goat cheese.
i met her chickens out back & her donkey Ruthie.
she owns 2 looms, makes knives from scratch metal & raises bees for honey.
except for the TV, it's like Little House on the Prairie out there, which i love.
i pour my heart out to her about my recent relationship split, & she listens & gives good Wisdom. tells me to just wait & that it can't hurt anything.. and to pray blessings over him.
i am..
we feasted on homemade soup & carob bread & sipped alkaline water as she showed me pictures from her visit to Nicaragua.. it was a missions trip with her church.
over 3,000 people came to the crusade they put on. over 1,700 "souls were saved"..
this is nothing against her, but..i don't know what it is..but i start getting this certain strange feeling, somewhat sinking, when it comes to "Christian" stuff...
she feels we are in the last days.. but i don't. Haven't we been saying that for 2,000 years?
she believes the Earth is 6,000 years old. i don't.
she also feels bars aren't the best place to play. but i love them.
i actually prefer playing them i think.
i don't ever think about the End times,
and i'd only feel good talking to a scholar about it if i did.
i don't feel compelled to tell strangers about Christ,
& i don't feel that there is eternal punishment.
at this point in my life, unless God shows me otherwise,
i believe Hell is remedial.
i started researching that view 8 years ago.
i like the scripture:
2 Samuel 14:14 (NRSV)
"We must all die; we are like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be gathered up. But God will not take away a life; he will devise plans so as not to keep an outcast banished for ever from his presence."
i really don't care if i go on a missions trip again, either.
at least not to go and get them all saved..
i'd want my mission to be to hug the heck out of them, sing songs, & give them wonderful things like cupcakes... really pretty ones.
and i'd like to burn up with sweat by building them something they can use right now.
water lines, a house, a garden.
maybe they call that shining the Light by example.
maybe i could be the poster child for that.
and then when asked why i glow.. i share my Faith.
what am i?
i have a relationship of some sort with Christ.
i don't understand the Bible completely, and i'm ok with the mystery it entails..
i guess i just don't know how to talk to people about it.
because most of the time,
i don't really get it myself.
is that possible? to have a relationship.. to get revelation on some things from the Word & communicate through prayer to a Being, & believe in praying in tounges, but not really understand the storyline of it all?
do not fear, i'm not becoming depressed over this again..
i've gone through that hell too many times..
i just really wonder where i fit in sometimes.
really, what feels right.. what feels the BEST is right along the lines of my favorite author Kent Nerburn..
but he believes that everyone finds their own path to God.
We are to just Love.
but i'm too afraid to run full blown with that...at least not yet.
i believe the highest thought i can think of for a Savior, is Christ.
but if someone is born into another belief system & it makes them feel sanity & connection to Eternity.. i just don't feel a deep need to go "reach" them..
If God is God is God.. then he will win.
Not some, but all...
For that is true Victory, in my little eyes.
Now that everyone is good and offended, & scared for my soul... goodnight!
& no there's not a pattern of it happening when there are storms in my life.
it's been a battle since i was old enough to vote.
or maybe, think for myself.
tonight, i am so sad. 3 years is a long time to be with someone, to then just cut it off.
especially when the reason you broke up wasn't because you didn't like them! or vice versa.
we created the funnest, most childlike friendship love affair that i've ever known.
and God i miss him.
i sat across the table from a lady today who's the most eccentric person i've ever met.
it's almost uncomfortable at times to be around her, because of her own awkwardness.
i find myself becoming more silly & chilled out to help her feel comfortable.
but then again, maybe she's completely comfortable.
either way, i can tell she really likes me. and i like her.
inbetween guitar sessions in her studio, she taught me to make goat cheese.
i met her chickens out back & her donkey Ruthie.
she owns 2 looms, makes knives from scratch metal & raises bees for honey.
except for the TV, it's like Little House on the Prairie out there, which i love.
i pour my heart out to her about my recent relationship split, & she listens & gives good Wisdom. tells me to just wait & that it can't hurt anything.. and to pray blessings over him.
i am..
we feasted on homemade soup & carob bread & sipped alkaline water as she showed me pictures from her visit to Nicaragua.. it was a missions trip with her church.
over 3,000 people came to the crusade they put on. over 1,700 "souls were saved"..
this is nothing against her, but..i don't know what it is..but i start getting this certain strange feeling, somewhat sinking, when it comes to "Christian" stuff...
she feels we are in the last days.. but i don't. Haven't we been saying that for 2,000 years?
she believes the Earth is 6,000 years old. i don't.
she also feels bars aren't the best place to play. but i love them.
i actually prefer playing them i think.
i don't ever think about the End times,
and i'd only feel good talking to a scholar about it if i did.
i don't feel compelled to tell strangers about Christ,
& i don't feel that there is eternal punishment.
at this point in my life, unless God shows me otherwise,
i believe Hell is remedial.
i started researching that view 8 years ago.
i like the scripture:
2 Samuel 14:14 (NRSV)
"We must all die; we are like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be gathered up. But God will not take away a life; he will devise plans so as not to keep an outcast banished for ever from his presence."
i really don't care if i go on a missions trip again, either.
at least not to go and get them all saved..
i'd want my mission to be to hug the heck out of them, sing songs, & give them wonderful things like cupcakes... really pretty ones.
and i'd like to burn up with sweat by building them something they can use right now.
water lines, a house, a garden.
maybe they call that shining the Light by example.
maybe i could be the poster child for that.
and then when asked why i glow.. i share my Faith.
what am i?
i have a relationship of some sort with Christ.
i don't understand the Bible completely, and i'm ok with the mystery it entails..
i guess i just don't know how to talk to people about it.
because most of the time,
i don't really get it myself.
is that possible? to have a relationship.. to get revelation on some things from the Word & communicate through prayer to a Being, & believe in praying in tounges, but not really understand the storyline of it all?
do not fear, i'm not becoming depressed over this again..
i've gone through that hell too many times..
i just really wonder where i fit in sometimes.
really, what feels right.. what feels the BEST is right along the lines of my favorite author Kent Nerburn..
but he believes that everyone finds their own path to God.
We are to just Love.
but i'm too afraid to run full blown with that...at least not yet.
i believe the highest thought i can think of for a Savior, is Christ.
but if someone is born into another belief system & it makes them feel sanity & connection to Eternity.. i just don't feel a deep need to go "reach" them..
If God is God is God.. then he will win.
Not some, but all...
For that is true Victory, in my little eyes.
Now that everyone is good and offended, & scared for my soul... goodnight!
August 23, 2009
August 17, 2009
aug 17
here's a little idea of what i've been working on in my friends classroom. cell phone pic.
i stayed frustrated for almost the entire day yesterday. i really don't know why. possibly my lunch experience...
went to church (Thrive) with my cousin/bff-er James, and i really enjoyed it there. i like the people. anyway a big group of us went to eat heart healthy Mexican food afterwards. the smell in that place was TERRIBLE. it wasn't a rotty smell, but a cleaner smell. a very strong cleaner-- possibly Fabuloso, (which i happen to love in small quantities).. i don't know what they were cooking with back there-- they had a street fighter mexican with scary eyes delivering our chips and ketchupy salsa. One guy at our table had a plastic wrapper mixed in with his enchilada & a centipede crawled over my foot in the girls restroom.. all of this mixed together-- made me order a Sprite. i NEVER drink Sprite. but i was, with no exaggeration, nauseous.
oh and, they got my order wrong, so i didn't even pay for my food.
i sent it back.
i felt like such a brat.
i did manage to appreciate the pleather kelly green booths they had, tho.
today is better.
i miss someone still.
but i'm hanging in there.
keeping myself busy.
made an at home photo studio:
http://strobist.blogspot.com/2006/07/how-to-diy-10-macro-photo-studio.html
here's the picture it captured. this is with natural lighting, outside:
(found this vintage bad boy at a little thrift shop in town.)
August 14, 2009
ribbet!
i found this little guy in my animal crackers!
it startled me at first!
but then i saw it was only a toy,
courtesy of my 3 year old nephew.
too cute huh?
August 12, 2009
sneak peak
Here's a sneak peak at what's to come in my Etsy shop!
Say hello to the newest additions to the Sweet Tooth Family.
Cupcake Pillows & Stuffies.
stay tuned to www.annalisa.etsy.com
August 7, 2009
August 4, 2009
the raspberries are twirling about in a snow storm!
(watch in HD!)
Gnittor (This is not just time lapse) (12" version) from Lobster Pictures on Vimeo.
August 3, 2009
your eyes.
the other day my mom found an old notebook that was filled with writings from my 10 year old mind.
inside a poem simply read:
"Your Eyes"
White skies,
Pink skies,
Blue skies,
That's your eyes.
---------------
:)
driving on.
i was in Monticello the other day helping my good friend Jessica get her speech therapy room all set up for the new school year. we're going to decorate Hawaii style!
i've always loved the drive to Warren/Monticello because the drive is basically a straight road the whole way, there are never any cops in sight & traffic is slim to none.
it always seemed so safe and ok to speed.
i remember once in high school, i think it was 11th grade, i was pimping the vintage sea foam green mercedes-benz. i was flying in that thing. it drove so smooth, you felt like you were flying.
the speedometer could get up to 16o mph!
what was it, a race car?
i hit 120, but started getting that creepy i'm-a-little-closer-to-death feeling, so i let off.
but man it felt good.
this particular day i wasn't flying like that.
different ride. pimping the soccer mom.
but i was having a blast.
listening to loud music with the windows down.
the clouds were all fluffy and hug worthy in the sky.
it was a clear beautiful day that matched my mind
and i wanted to take a picture of myself in it.
so i did.
it was a big deal for me to get the guts to pull over and take a
picture of myself in the middle of the road.
i was feeling all shy, not wanting people to see me,
but.. i really wanted to capture this moment with myself so - - I DID IT.
i don't know what i learned from this, but i got something.
July 28, 2009
quote:unexpected
i was reading the newest SELF magazine, the one that features Jillian Michaels (The Biggest Loser) on the cover. in her interview, she said something just for me! :)
page 41:
"Selfish isn't a dirty word. It means we take care of ourselves and are able to give back."
page 41:
"Selfish isn't a dirty word. It means we take care of ourselves and are able to give back."
July 27, 2009
BBB in the last week of July.
blog. blogger. blogging.
it's all part of my new lingo.
:)
i posted once every blue moon on my old xanga (http://www.xanga.com/upsidedownwater).
had that one for about 6 years i guess.. golly.
i've wished to be a semi-avid blogger--keep it all updated with thoughts, photos, links etc.. use it for networking, friendships, & possibly helping people... so i guess old things have passed away, behold all things are being made new w/ this Blogger.com blog, bloggness.
Little A-Nu here to share tid-bits from my life.
weeee!!
it's all part of my new lingo.
:)
i posted once every blue moon on my old xanga (http://www.xanga.com/upsidedownwater).
had that one for about 6 years i guess.. golly.
i've wished to be a semi-avid blogger--keep it all updated with thoughts, photos, links etc.. use it for networking, friendships, & possibly helping people... so i guess old things have passed away, behold all things are being made new w/ this Blogger.com blog, bloggness.
Little A-Nu here to share tid-bits from my life.
weeee!!
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