August 31, 2009


i notice that i usually go without notebook journaling for long periods of time when i'm the most emotionally drained.
i guess i feel like i am replaying conversations and situations (and possible ones) so much in my head all day, and even in my dream life, that i give myself a break by NOT journaling.

but it's probably the best time for me to write...


this should have been taken care of well over a month ago,
but last night i got all of my belongings out of what would have been my home.
i gave back the ring that held such precious value.
i returned the leopard print key, that opened the door to our special creation.
and inbetween tears, i still managed to enjoy every minute with the person i'm leaving.
you're telling me it doesn't make sense.
nothing has ever hurt more.
and it seems so self inflicted, i know.

see this pain through, Annalisa.
that's what i keep getting.

in regards to going forward right now in this relationship,
i don't have a "green light"...
and i explain myself ragged when asked "Why?"
but i've decided to stop trying to explain myself to the Askers..
not only because i'm sick to death of talking about it, but
because it doesn't make much sense to me either.
so when asked (by myself & others) why i don't have a "green light"
my answer will be "i don't know, but i just don't."
and i'll rest in that.
and i'll trust that when it's time for me to take the step of relationship again in my life,
i'll have a big fat shiny ray of Green beaming in my eyes.

other news:
in the mix of my belongings was 10 or so cans of paint, the ones i used to pretty up the nest.
on the way home, i kept smelling a strong paint smell.
i thought "that paint sure is strong."
then it hit me..
oh God i hope they haven't spilled!
it was around 2AM.
holding in my freak-out,
i drove another mile to the closest gas station.
pulled up, opened the electric slide door, and BAM!!
2 full gallons HIT the ground.
thick interior paint ran like a double river.
half cream, half terracotta.
my toes, the van, and the parking lot were drenched.

and all the cashier had to mop it up was deli napkins.

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