naked harping

sometimes my spiritual walk gets very cloudy,
& no there's not a pattern of it happening when there are storms in my life.
it's been a battle since i was old enough to vote.
or maybe, think for myself.
tonight, i am so sad. 3 years is a long time to be with someone, to then just cut it off.
especially when the reason you broke up wasn't because you didn't like them! or vice versa.
we created the funnest, most childlike friendship love affair that i've ever known.
and God i miss him.

i sat across the table from a lady today who's the most eccentric person i've ever met.
it's almost uncomfortable at times to be around her, because of her own awkwardness.
i find myself becoming more silly & chilled out to help her feel comfortable.
but then again, maybe she's completely comfortable.
either way, i can tell she really likes me. and i like her.
inbetween guitar sessions in her studio, she taught me to make goat cheese.
i met her chickens out back & her donkey Ruthie.
she owns 2 looms, makes knives from scratch metal & raises bees for honey.
except for the TV, it's like Little House on the Prairie out there, which i love.
i pour my heart out to her about my recent relationship split, & she listens & gives good Wisdom. tells me to just wait & that it can't hurt anything.. and to pray blessings over him.
i am..

we feasted on homemade soup & carob bread & sipped alkaline water as she showed me pictures from her visit to Nicaragua.. it was a missions trip with her church.
over 3,000 people came to the crusade they put on. over 1,700 "souls were saved"..
this is nothing against her, but..i don't know what it is..but i start getting this certain strange feeling, somewhat sinking, when it comes to "Christian" stuff...
she feels we are in the last days.. but i don't. Haven't we been saying that for 2,000 years?
she believes the Earth is 6,000 years old. i don't.
she also feels bars aren't the best place to play. but i love them.
i actually prefer playing them i think.

i don't ever think about the End times,
and i'd only feel good talking to a scholar about it if i did.
i don't feel compelled to tell strangers about Christ,
& i don't feel that there is eternal punishment.
at this point in my life, unless God shows me otherwise,
i believe Hell is remedial.
i started researching that view 8 years ago.

i like the scripture:
2 Samuel 14:14 (NRSV)
"We must all die; we are like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be gathered up. But God will not take away a life; he will devise plans so as not to keep an outcast banished for ever from his presence."

i really don't care if i go on a missions trip again, either.
at least not to go and get them all saved..
i'd want my mission to be to hug the heck out of them, sing songs, & give them wonderful things like cupcakes... really pretty ones.
and i'd like to burn up with sweat by building them something they can use right now.
water lines, a house, a garden.
maybe they call that shining the Light by example.
maybe i could be the poster child for that.
and then when asked why i glow.. i share my Faith.

what am i?
i have a relationship of some sort with Christ.
i don't understand the Bible completely, and i'm ok with the mystery it entails..
i guess i just don't know how to talk to people about it.
because most of the time,
i don't really get it myself.

is that possible? to have a relationship.. to get revelation on some things from the Word & communicate through prayer to a Being, & believe in praying in tounges, but not really understand the storyline of it all?
do not fear, i'm not becoming depressed over this again..
i've gone through that hell too many times..
i just really wonder where i fit in sometimes.

really, what feels right.. what feels the BEST is right along the lines of my favorite author Kent Nerburn..
but he believes that everyone finds their own path to God.
We are to just Love.
but i'm too afraid to run full blown with that...at least not yet.

i believe the highest thought i can think of for a Savior, is Christ.
but if someone is born into another belief system & it makes them feel sanity & connection to Eternity.. i just don't feel a deep need to go "reach" them..

If God is God is God.. then he will win.
Not some, but all...
For that is true Victory, in my little eyes.


Now that everyone is good and offended, & scared for my soul... goodnight!